Newgrounds.com — Everything, By Everyone.

If you're reading this, you aren't dead!

My girlfriend just came down to my room. I can hardly remember everything we talked about. Not a conversation one wants to hear though...

She started by saying how she didn't like to continue things if she didn't think they were going anywhere. Obviously not something one wants to hear, so it didn't surprise me much when she said that about our relationship shortly afterwards. Harsh. All thoughts stemming from a single event. She was sick one day when we were all supposed to go out so decided to stay in. I went along, because she said she was going to sleep. She wanted to me stay because she was feeling worse than she let on and was worried, but didn't give much indication. So I went, and this has bothered her. And makes her brood and think negatively essentially.

This continued and her essential conclusion was that she didn't know if she wanted to stay together because in her own words, she couldn't see herself with me in twenty years. She also said something about how she wasn't sure how much I cared for her. Makes me sad, because I always try to show I care... I always try to cheer her up and make her laugh and smile and just be... happy. But she rarely spends time with me anyway...

You know, I wasn't really sad until I started typing this. More neutral, not entirely surprised. But now it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I really like her, and she rarely texts me or communicates cuz that's just how she is. I feel like she doesn't show she really cares... This was the first time we've actually talked for a long period of time in who knows how long. She's always busy, and making time for us is her lowest priority. I understand, but sometimes she's just procrastinating working... We could at least procrastinate together...

And then after all of this idk if it's working business, she acts like she normally would. Small kisses and just holding each other closely, and then I feel optimistic that we'll continue. But now I'll never shake the feeling that I'll be tossed aside. And that's going to eat me up inside. And she'll notice of course, and ask me what's wrong. And I'll just smile and say I was thinking... And inside I'll just be waiting for the inevitable end.

Heh... just got a text from her saying that she really does like me, and that she realized she's never said that to me before. Hardly reassuring, sounds like a breakup line... "I really like you and all but..."

Time to let the dreams take me, and work their twisted magic...

Things are all good. Except school, school sucks.

is done.

Tormenting me nightly for the last 2 weeks. Great time for me to start dreaming again, right when my mind is preoccupied and tumultuous.
Time to force myself into a sleeplike trance again. Best brace myself for the reminders and self judgment.

Hindsight is 20/20 they say.

I invite you to look back at your life over the last few years- the milestones and tragedies, the successes and failures. Think about the impact you've had on people, on the world. Are you happy with what has occurred? Surprised? Are you happy with the path you are setting yourself on?

What would you have done differently?

You may have kicked my ass with that midterm of yours, and you may confuse the shit out of me, but today... today I will have my revenge!! 5 hours from now, I will stand proudly over you corpse, and scream victoriously at the heavens!
I've got a score to settle with you Linear Algebra. Today is the day I take my life back. 85% final or not, I will pass you!

Edit: Your bitch ass is mine. If I didn't pass that final, I'd be in shock.

From a female friend of mine to all of you young guys out there:

Go out there and be a master-key.

Finals are fucking my shit up. And by that I mean physics was a bitch. The conceptual questions were easy but then the long answers took my innocence. It was terrible.
At least I still have Linear Algebra to look forward to! I just want to pass that class, and be done with it forever...

Next time I talk to my girlfriend, I'll be finishing the separation process. I've just learned I'm completely incapable of maintaining a long distance relationship. I start to feel distant, and I suppose kind of lonely. Maybe it's seeing everybody else around me hooking up, maybe it's jealousy resulting from that. Regardless, the process has begun, and if her family hadn't come home halfway through our discussion of what would be happening, I would be single by now. At least she's had some time to digest it before we officially split. Kind of sad, but there were other reasons it wouldn't have worked in the long run. Maybe some day in the future, who knows. I'm just glad we'll be staying friends.

Anyways, just felt like updating this. Not like anybody really reads them anyway! You all make me feel so unloved.

A huge asshole. And I haven't even done anything yet. But it's always on my mind. I don't want to talk to anybody here about it, because I know they'll wrongly assume my motives, and I can't talk to my high school friends because they know the person it involves.

I wish I had somebody completely unbiased to talk to.

Edit: After a while, I've kind of decided on a course of action which I began this morning. I think it was spurned on by a dream... I just woke up and did it. It was bizzare considering how difficult it was for me to even think about before.
Still feel like a jerk, but I think my logic is sound. And it's to late to turn back at this point. We'll see.